The realization

And then one day you realize, everything you have worked so hard to build and maintain meant nothing, it was all a perception, nothing real.

And then you realize those you have invested time in caring for didn’t notice an effort

And then you realize you should have spent time caring for you, building you

And then you begin to realize you were a place holder

Holding space for what they were looking for

You were never it to begin with

And then you realize the nice words said were to keep you from going

you aren’t all that was said after all

And then you realize what you expected to happen

………. *tears*

Then you spend time, bitter, angry

Bitter because you would have spent time building you

You would have spent time making the next five years the best of your life

Then you realize

You realize, if you let the anger take over you will lose

Lose so bad you will go miles back, way back before scratch happened

And then you begin trying to turn the bitter into winner

You begin to find ways to make the words that sounded true actually true

You begin trying to be better than the replacement

You begin working towards begin the ideal picture

Never to be a place holder again

But then I am in denial

And so I try find strength in words of my creator

And so I begin thinking of running away ,I want to start all over again

So I begin digging for routes to take me far away

I want to cancel out the feeling of being used

I want to reject the creeping feeling of never having been really good

I want to cancel it out with the picture of being the best, irreplaceable even

As soon as I get my balance

In a new place maybe

In a new state of mind maybe

I will come back here and tell you of my triumph story……